Why Feelings Matter
Feelings, especially the unpleasant ones, are often misunderstood and stigmatised, being perceived as something negative, to be avoided, suffocated, numbed dismissed or eliminated. In fact, feelings make us human (Hauke, 2005). Furthermore, they contain precious information about the world as we perceive it and about ourselves, thus offer us opportunities to respond effectively to our emotional needs and to life situations. It is therefore important to develop the skill of understanding and making sense of feelings, what they intend to communicate to us about ourselves and life events.
As children growing up, the relevant caregivers act as a mirror; in so doing, through such foundational relationships, children begin to develop the language of emotions. In certain cases, this process is hindered or does not take place effectively for multiple reasons, including misattunements and misunderstandings, or a “basic fault” (Balint, 1968, p. p. 16) with the relevant caregiver/s during the developmental phase, as a result, the fundamental language of emotions and the ability to relate/attune to self and others become impaired.
When people do not know what they suffer from – aka they cannot name their feelings – and do not know the paths to exit from their sufferance, they are left without tools. What can be done?
A paradigm shift: be willing to feel your feelings.
“Befriending the body” (Van der Kolk, 2014): begin to observe your body sensations with curiosity as if you are undertaking a body scan. Name each and every sensation with an emotion. Be willing to observe them with curiosity as if to capture the information they carry about what is going on inside you and what you may need in the moment.
Be patient with yourself. This is a new skill. Give yourself time to practice.
Develop a personalised emotional dictionary based on your body sensations and their emotional parallels (for a list of emotions see link below in the resources section).
Practice, practice, practice.
Lastly: you may wish to read some of the great novels of the 1900s (eg. Kafka; Tolstoy; Mann) to learn more about the entire range of feelings including love, sufferance, boredom, desperation and agony. By identifying with the novels’ characters, you may learn more about your experiences and emotions.
REFERENCES: Balint, M. (1968). The basic fault: Therapeutic aspects of regression. London and New York: Routledge.
Hauke, C. (2005). Human being human: Culture and the soul. New York, NY; London: Routledge.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma. New York: Penguin.
RESOURCES: List of emotions: https://www.healthline.com/health/list-of-emotions